Finding Forgiveness - Blair Trippe
In every family there are conflicts. Some conflicts are overcome quickly, while others turn into years-long grudges. When you own a family business, the stakes of family conflict are much higher. Disputes in your family can lead to issues in your business and therefore greater conflicts overall. To be successful in your family and your family business, you must practice the art of forgiveness. It requires interpersonal skills and willingness but can be accomplished.
At Continuity Family Business Consulting, we devised a short guide on forgiveness:
“It’s very common for members of family owned businesses to become bogged down in past conflicts, creating what we call ‘historical impasse’. These are disputes that remain problematic and continue to impact present-day relationships. When this happens, families often get stuck in unproductive behavior patterns. They’re still holding onto hurtful issues that happened a decade, or even a generation ago. If a family is to get beyond these hurts, they need to explore a process of education about forgiveness. And all affected should be involved.
“The key to releasing blame in a family business is for all parties ‘stuck’ in the stalemate to acknowledge their hand in it. But that’s not enough, they each need to reaffirm the importance of the relationship as well. This takes work in large part by ‘a conflict manager.’ Laying the ground word for everyone involved is key, and can be a challenge. All parties involved need to feel safe and certain that their voice is heard. The work of ‘releasing blame’ requires a laundry list of items that starts with detailed story-gathering or meetings with one, two or more individuals. This helps establish the ground rules for how the family members express their stories and hurts once everyone meets again. It’s about creating a shared narrative. This is extremely useful in helping a family to understand, work through and ultimately integrate the ‘stuck’ feelings or conflict into the NEW shared narrative. This is a learning opportunity… a teachable moment and could be a turning point the family history of ‘ole.
“One useful approach to releasing blame for family relationships comes from the book How Can I Forgive You: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To, by Janis Abrahms-Spring, PhD. Though Dr. Spring wrote her book primarily for married couples who want to stay married despite a serious transgression such as infidelity, it is quite effective for family relationships. Historical Impasses that develop in family business can feel akin to that level of betrayal. In her book, Dr. Spring identifies four choices one can make regarding forgiveness:
“Refusing to Forgive: Yes, this is a choice, and to have all parties come to the table willingly means that they must make the choice to do so. When faced with a choice of maintaining a grudge and having to go through an uncomfortable, highly emotional forgiveness process, we find that, for some stakeholders, learning about forgiveness choices and processes offers new perspectives in which the old grudge seems less urgent and less important to maintain.
“Cheap Forgiveness: Forgiving because it’s supposedly good for you, or because you feel compelled to by your religion or community norms.
“Genuine Forgiveness: A process requiring equal vigilance from both sides, involving introspection, communication, and development of a shared vision for a continuing relationship.
‘Acceptance: Acknowledging your contribution to the impasse and forgiving yourself, and accepting a compromised relationship with the transgressor.”
About Blair Trippe: Blair is a managing partner at Continuity Family Business Consulting specialized in negotiations and conflict resolutions. She co-authored the book “Mom Always Liked You Best — A Guide to Resolving Family Feuds, Inheritance Battles and Eldercare Crises,” aa guide to help families communicate and negotiate effectively. Blair also co-authored “Deconstructing Conflict,” a book about understanding family business, shared wealth, and power. Blair combines her experience in adult family communication and conflict resolution with her business skills to provide clarity, insights, and directional advice to address complex issues that often face family-owned and operated enterprises.
